I feel like Taylor Swift writes her songs based on my life.
It’s true. Songs like “Empty the Dishwasher & the Cat Box Every Night Without Bitching About It” should be on Taylor’s new album. You’re going to love it. It’s a catchy tune.
Vintage Birth Control
Back in the day, birth control was about shooing away the storks. No condoms for grandpa and grandpa. Course, that’s probably why they had so many kids.
When you get angry count to 10…
… and when you get to 8, throw a punch as no one will expect that and their guard will be down.
Dogs like to show their owners around.
Next time you see someone out walking their dog, think about how the dog is giving their human a tour of the town. It’s way more fun that way.
If an apocalypse ever happens, stay away from the Statue of Liberty.
When bad things happen in the movies, the Statue of Liberty never stands a chance. Neither does Washington DC, New York or Los Angeles. So when things start to go to hell, go someplace you never see in the movies. Like Wisconsin or Idaho. You ever hear about those places getting wiped out.
I need to get me some sweet potatoes.
I’d be buying sweet potatoes all the time for my wife if they gave compliments when I opened the bag. Think how much I’d save on flowers!
I Survived Today!
Getting through today was a challenge, but I made it. Sadly, I have to do it again tomorrow.
Would you rather be stuck on an island alone or with someone you hate?
With someone you hate of course. That way you have something to eat. This kid is amazing!
New addition to the Spice Girls! It’s Pumpkin Spice!
What better way to bring back the 90s girl band, Spice Girls, than with a modern, fresh, fall classic; Pumpkin Spice! She may not dance, may not sing, but she’ll look super cozy up there.
Don’t be offended if someone doesn’t text you back.
Don’t be offended if someone doesn’t text you back. They probably just forgot. About you. In general. Because they don’t like you very much.