Like a Good Neighbor, Stay Over There
Sometimes being a good neighbor is telling you that I don’t like you and you should stay off my property. What? I thought honesty was the best policy.
Searching for inappropriate stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Admit it, you’ve awoken in the morning to see what you were Googling last night and were a bit shocked and embarrassed.
I like big cups and I cannot lie.
You other brothers can’t deny, when a girl walks in with an itty bitty coffee, you just get sad. The bigger the better baby!
I Had Fun Once, It Was Awful. #wallpaper
So awful, I now sit at work all day long staring at a computer. – Grumpy Cat
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.
Don’t forget to call! Stay out of trouble. I’ll miss you.
My doctor told me to start killing people.
Well, maybe not exactly. But he did tell me to reduce the stress in my life. It’s kinda the same thing. And there are people who’d reduce my stress if they weren’t around.
Who wants some french fries?
Everyone seems to like McDonald’s french fries, so why don’t they just let us order a few pounds of them? Granted, we might die eating all of them, but that’s a risk we’d have to take.
Beware of Dog. He Wants Cuddles.
Sometimes it’s the cute ones that attack you with love and knock you over. Those are the dogs you need to be aware of.
Don’t forget about bald guys living vicariously through their beards.
Just cuz you ain’t got no hair up top doesn’t mean you can’t have hair down below.
Don’t you hate it when you call a plumber and all he does is eat mushrooms and kill your turtles?
Mario seems like a pretty nice guy, but so was my turtle. Not all of them are evil you know. And what’s up with this mushroom obsession? Oh and don’t get me started on this princess who seems to get captured all the time. Get some pepper spray girl!