Food has replaced sex in my life.
Now I can’t even get into my own pants. However I’m getting some every day; multiple times in fact. Different styles too.
Food
Pizza understands. Pizza is here for you.
Good day? Bad day? Things going wrong? Things going right? Pizza doesn’t care. Pizza is here for you in good times and bad. Pizza loves you no matter what.
This Banana is Appealing
He looks so good in his little top hat and mustache. He looks good enough to eat actually. Mmmm fancy banana.
This is how the 5 second rule works.
This is how the five second rule works. You drop your food, the germs wait five seconds, then they attack. They’re quite considerate that way.
You know, that moment you realize you’re supposed to be praying, not eating.
Happens every holiday. You get so excited about stuffing your face, that you forget that someone is here that wants to say grace. I’m sure God will understand.
Let the turkey chill; with TV and beer.
This Thanksgiving, when the directions say to let the bird chill, just prop it up and give it a beer. It’ll be happy before you toss it in sauna.
Hire taller people, I need a taco!
The staff may be short, but that’s no reason to close down. Hire taller employees or let the shorter ones make tacos. I’m hungry!
Totally Rad Ninja Turtle Watermelons
Again, pumpkins are not the only think that you can carve. Slice up some watermelons, add some glow sticks, and you have awesome Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles jack-o’-lanterns.
I need to get me some sweet potatoes.
I’d be buying sweet potatoes all the time for my wife if they gave compliments when I opened the bag. Think how much I’d save on flowers!