What if life was prefect?
Wouldn’t life be prefect if sweatpants were sexy, Monday’s were fun, junk food didn’t make you fat, girl’s didn’t cause so much drama, guys weren’t so confusing, and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow.
Ever had a pizza taco?
Part pizza, part taco, and a whole lot of awesome. Except that feeling you get after eating it. That’s regret.
I would like to identify your body.
While laying in bed with my husband, he asked me what I’d most like to do with his body. Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer. Some men are so picky.
Before Coffee. After Coffee.
Coffee is amazing. It can turn me from Grumpy Cat into Nyan Cat in just one cup. Ok, maybe two.
Dad, I’m glad you knocked up Mom.
If it wasn’t for you knocking up Mom, Fathers Day wouldn’t be as awesome as you wouldn’t have me.
Do not leave drinks unattended. Cat is an asshole.
Every cat owner understands this. Cats have something against drinks being in cups. If they see one, they’ll put it on the floor. Not sure why, but I guess they just like to free drinks.
Sometimes I Feel Unstoppable!
You may not have all the things you need to be awesome, but you can find tools to get you there! Think positive and anything is possible.
Did you know that if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges?
It’s true. Give it a try. Wait for it. Keep trying. Oh man, this is getting good. Think about it. I really hope you got it by now.
Wine is to Women as Duct Tape is to Men
Wine can fix everything! Doesn’t matter what it is or how bad it’s messed up, just add wine and *poof* problem solved.
Fool me once weather man, shame on you. Fool me twice…
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 350,000 times, you’re a weather man. I love you weather man, but your track record just isn’t good. I know. I know. It’s not your fault. Still, I’m a bit mad when you’re not right. Love you though when you’re right!