Every December, society asks us to sing The 12 Days of Christmas with a smile. If you actually pay attention to the lyrics, it stops sounding like a festive love song and starts reading like chaotic hell. This is not romance.
Let’s take a closer look.
Day 1: A Partridge in a Pear Tree
The very first gift already feels like a mistake. A bird and a piece of landscaping bundled together like a buy one, get one deal nobody asked for. A single partridge would have been enough. The pear tree feels like a bit much.
Day 2: Two Turtle Doves
More birds. Already. Nothing says true love like doubling your creature count. The doves stare at you as you Google how to take care of birds that look offended by your existence.
Day 3: Three French Hens
Now we are running a farm. The hens strut around with a certain attitude. But hey, maybe you’ll get some free eggs.
Day 4: Four Calling Birds
These birds announce their presence with every move they make. They never stop. You begin to wonder if you’ll get to ever enjoy silence again.
Day 5: Five Gold Rings
Finally. A gift you do not have to feed or house. These are the last peaceful items you will receive before the entire holiday turns into a traveling circus.
Day 6: Six Geese a Laying
Six geese arrive and immediately begin producing eggs like a chaotic bakery run by creatures that hiss at everything. Your yard now smells like morning omelets and poor decisions.
Day 7: Seven Swans a Swimming
Swans are majestic in photos and terrifying in person. They require a pond. You do not have a pond. You now have seven large birds judging your lack of waterfront property.
Day 8: Eight Maids a Milking
Eight strangers show up with pails and enthusiasm, ready to milk cows that do not exist on your property. At this point, you start to wonder if your true love really loves you at all.
Day 9: Nine Ladies Dancing
Your home now resembles a festival nobody asked permission to host. The dancers twirl through goose droppings while the swans glare. Are you embarrassed at this point? I’d be.
Day 10: Ten Lords a Leaping
Leaping over what exactly?! Probably swans. These men bounce across your yard like caffeinated gymnasts, narrowly avoiding the hens that have decided they run this place.
Day 11: Eleven Pipers Piping
Just when you thought the noise level could not get worse, the pipers arrive and immediately turn your life into an unwanted parade. Oh, what hell.
Day 12: Twelve Drummers Drumming
Twelve drummers pound out a rhythm that rattles your windows and your soul. The birds screech. The dancers spin. The lords leap. The pipers blast away. The maids continue trying to milk imaginary cows. The partridge sits in the pear tree like a tiny feathered witness to your downfall.
So many people, so many birds, so much chaos and poop.
The Moral of the Story
If someone ever gifts you dozens of birds, an army of performers, and a small agricultural workforce, it is not true love. It is a cry for help from someone who wants you to join them in festive madness.
Happy Holidays.