LOL Zombie

I should just change my voicemail greeting to: “Please hang up and text me.”

I’ll respond so much faster to a text than a voice mail or email. Especially since you’ll leave a much shorter message.

There is no good path to take when you come to a spork in the road.

Who doesn’t love sporks! Unless they’re in the road. Then what do you do? Why do sporks confuse people so? I guess we love them as long as we don’t have to deal with them.

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning but the hamster was dead?

You know who I’m talking about. We all know someone like that.

That Moment When You Talk to Yourself and Just Start Smiling Like an Idiot…

… because you’re just so hilarious. You know it happens.

Everyone Seems Normal Until You Get To Know Them

No one should be normal. Weird is where it’s at.

I’m Not Shy, I’m Holding Back My Awesomeness, So I Don’t Intimidate You.

True story. I’m awesome, not shy. You should really get to know me.

I’m pretty sure no one ever wakes up in the morning feeling like P Diddy.

Actually, I don’t even know what that means, but I’m pretty sure I don’t wake up feeling super rich and knowing that I don’t have to go to my 9-5 job.

If Your Plan A Doesn’t Work, The Alphabet Has 25 More Letters

So stay cool and come up with another plan. Things will work out eventually.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo.

Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.

Did you just say run for fun? You know we have the internet now right?

Urg. You want me to go outside? There’s so many people out there. And bugs. And things are so far away. And I gotta put pants on.

Everything I need Google can find or Amazon can send me.