I’m sure they’re just searching for a party to crash.

And this is why you have kids. They’ll say the things you never should. Of course laughing along isn’t much better.

I’ll respond so much faster to a text than a voice mail or email. Especially since you’ll leave a much shorter message.

You cat lose when you’re Batman, or when you write a poem that mentions Batman.

Just don’t tell mom ok? I’ll deny everything.

Man, wouldn’t that be great? To bad you have to buy it like everyone else. Happy Father’s Day anyway.

So if you want to get lucky, get a nice suit.

No one wants to hear about your broken heart or how you don’t know how you’ll survive without them. Millions of people have had their heart-broken and they’re still around. Stop complaining and let’s go get ice cream.

I’m not sure if the stories below are true, but they could be. Some people are just stupid enough that it wouldn’t surprise me if these really happened.

McDonalds
Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half-dozen nuggets.
‘We don’t have half-dozen nuggets,’ said the teenager at the counter.
‘You don’t?’ I replied.
‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ was the reply.
‘So I can’t order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’
‘That’s right.’

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and was told they didn’t have any, only Splenda and sugar.

Wal-Mart
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those ‘dividers’ that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the ‘divider’, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this is?’ I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’ She said ‘OK,’ and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

(But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left.)

Online Shopping
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM ‘thingy.’

(Keep shuddering!!)

Car Troubles
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ‘Do you need some help?’ I asked. She replied, ‘I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?’

‘Hmmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?’ I asked.

‘No, just this remote thingy,’ she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, ‘Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk….’

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

Paper
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five ‘blank’ copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

Ants
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, ‘I just gave him some ant killer……’
Dispatcher: ‘Rush him in to emergency right away’

Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re Stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I’m reminding you too.
Don’t laugh….it could happen to you.

Now, we don’t know if these are true or not but you never know. 

When I heard about the local swingers club, I was pretty interested. Turns out, it’s not quite what I thought it was. However, swings are fun. Hold my drink. Weeeeee.

via minimumble.com

I’m not sure how many times I’ve told people that the animal was just napping. Even if they know the truth, napping sounds way better than dead.

That’s what they say. But us men say “No we won’t!” Don’t try to tell us what to do. You can’t change us.

Believe it or not, coffee is a super power. Without coffee, I’m not good to be around. With coffee, I get shit done and I’m nice to talk to.

Who doesn’t love sporks! Unless they’re in the road. Then what do you do? Why do sporks confuse people so? I guess we love them as long as we don’t have to deal with them.

… they should throw parties with strippers!

… because you’re just so hilarious. You know it happens.

No one should be normal. Weird is where it’s at.